I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
