The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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