I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
