Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
