i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
