I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
