I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
