Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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