I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
