I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
