no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
