My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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