I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
