someone threw a dead crab at me
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
