My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I have tasted many bathrooms
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
