my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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