if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Drunk is a universal language darling
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
