I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
