I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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