So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Randomize
