Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Can Purell be used as lube?
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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