I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
