hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
