The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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