wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
