My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
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