Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
