Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
