people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
