I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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