I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i was born a porn star she said
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
