For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
