I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
