I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
