She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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