just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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