I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
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