So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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