Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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