how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Randomize