The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
