Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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