rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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