I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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