Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
