My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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