I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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