My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize