My underwear smells like fireworks.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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