She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize