he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
