thus making me awesome and them whores
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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