Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
