The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
