Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
