So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize