I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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