I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Randomize
