dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
