This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
