Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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